Memorial Day

If I speak freely, someone fought for it,

If I listen freely, someone sacrificed for it,

If I read freely, someone went ‘over there’ for it,

If I type freely, someone left their home and family for it,

If I raise the colors of my nation freely, someone raised a rifle in the face of danger for it,

If I nap on my couch freely, someone slept in a foxhole for it,

If I listen to my music freely, someone listened to artillery falling around them for it,

If I watch a movie freely, someone watched for the enemy coming from a tree line for it,

If I drive a car wherever I want, someone drove a tank into hell for it,

If I fly in a plane wherever I want, someone flew one over hell for it,

If I kiss my kids at night, someone kisses a picture of his for it,

If I hold my wife at night, someone holds a phone talking to his for it,

And, if I rest in my bed at night, someone is resting in the ground for it,

Because, I am free, and so many have died for it.

We remember today, and everyday, those that have sacrificed everything for our freedom, way of life and country. We are thankful. So we pay our respects. We literally owe everything to them. And we teach our children to do the same.

God, raise and keep the souls of those who have died for us. And, God bless America.

Dave Thomas,

Average American.

Happy One day until the Fake End Of The World!!

As the day of reckoning quickly approaches, mere minutes away, I manage to continue my vigil of deep disrespect and satire towards the FAKE END OF THE WORLD.  Having established that, I make this final post to address one last issue:

Dave, what if you’re wrong?

Although some may gasp at the prospect of God having a sense of irony and even better sense of humor, I absolutely believe He does.  Why would God actually kick off the End Game just to make people like me look like fools?  Answer: Why Not?  So, I can (1) totally be wrong about the Fake End of The World not happening.  That’s Irony.  Even better, I can (2) not be “Raptured” and actually be Left Behind! And that’s Humor.  See what I mean?  God knows irony and humor.  (See: Kirstie Alley…..actually, don’t).

So, what if the “Rapture” occurs and I am Left Behind along with Kirk Cameron and Vince the creepy ShamWow Guy?  Many say that the three of us will live in a time of turmoil for a long period after the nice people have been whisked away from the Earth by Yahweh.  Well, here’s the scoop on THIS “Rapture”: It’s made up.  You all know this by now.  It’s made up by a crackpot who loves attention and does it by misinterpreting the Bible for his own goals.  So, along those lines, I’m going to answer him in kind.  Sure the “Rapture” is God swooping down and taking his chosen people.  But, wouldn’t he “leave” a few of the “chosen” behind to deal with whatever is about to occur and maybe antagonize whatever forces act negatively upon His planet. Wouldn’t that be ironic? (Shut up Alanis) 

So, a chosen few FROM the chosen few may be left behind as well. Me and Kirk Cameron the pussy and Vince the ShamWow guy that looks like ghoul #5 from any of the Buffy episodes.  You see, we're supposed to be Left Behind. 

Another problem I have always had with these idiots is their absolute belief that THEY will be the ones who are RAPTURED.  How do they know? Is there a list somewhere in Oakland where these guys are based? Maybe in Jack London Square?  (Oooo!  Is it at Kincaid’s? I LOVE that place!  Best Crab & Artichoke Dip ever!!)  Anyway, I never operate under the absolute assumption that I will be chosen by God.  Why?  Well, mostly because I’m Catholic.  If you’re a good Catholic, you walk around in a perpetual state of crushing guilt and self loathing.  You learn how in CCD somewhere around the third grade.  And the other reason is humility.  The ability and willingness to humble yourself before God.  “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you; but only say the word and I shall be healed”.  Those are the words you hear every Sunday if you're like me.  Here’s my point.  These people are not only deciding this day for God, they are deciding they are worthy enough to go.  Hope they’re right.  I choose not to be arrogant enough to assume.  Because it’s gonna be tough with me and Kirk and Vince the ShamWow Guy.  Maybe they should assume they're gonna sleep next to Vince.  

So, I’ll conclude my diatribe with only one more Bible reference.  Matthew 24:36.  Most of you know what's coming up before you read it.  Simply: "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”  If it happens tomorrow, its God’s decision.  Not some old whacko in Oakland.  It’s not my decision, and it’s definitely not his decision.  But, it is His (with a capital H) decision.  So, what do I know?  Nothing.  No degree in theology, no seminary.  But, what I do know is that I am a man who practices faith.  I am also a man humble enough to say “Lord, I am not worthy”. 

I'll see you on the other side, gang.  If you're not with us, dibs on your car.  

-dave

Show Me That Smile Again

A Question and Answer Thingy...or, what I really think of Sweet Potatoes.

Here’s a Question and Answer thingy that I ripped off of somebody else’s page and planted on my own.  Feel free to read it and let it give you insight into my own life and mind.  More, importantly, let it be a lesson on how NOT to raise your kids!

1. What time did you get up this morning?  I’m solipsistic.  You can’t prove that I’m awake. 

2. How do you like your steak?  Medium Rare, like life.  Done on the outside, not done on the inside. (that doesn't make sense to me either)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?  Star Trek, the new one…….of course, its not new anymore. 

4. What is your favorite TV show?  The news.  I love happy things like war, famine, flood and pestilence explained to me in 30 second blocks followed by commercials for Rice-A-Roni and what’s coming up on today’s Jeopardy!  

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?  Where I am.....but can I remodel the bathroom first?

6. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing.  (Recommended by 1 out of 5 doctors!)

7. What is your favorite cuisine?  Italian followed by anything I can burn into obliteration on a Weber BBQ grille

 8. What foods do you dislike? Sweet Potatoes!  They are the DEVILS potatoes! THEY ARE THE DEVILS POTATOES!!

9. Favorite place to eat? Cattlemen’s Steakhouse.  A Pete’s Special makes me happy and gets you anything you want... (Offer not good in all states, some assembly required).

10. Favorite dressing?  10,000 island minus 9,000 island.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?  Toyota Tacoma.  Not the biggest truck.  But, that just means I’m okay with my own inferiority complex.  Talkin’ to you, lift kit Chevy boys!

12. What are your favorite clothes?  Blue jeans and a navy blue polo.....how about a blazer?

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?  Rome, Back to Kauai, and Ireland, of course.  Oh, and Russia to Lennon’s Tomb.  To pee on it.  Take that Communism!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?  It’s about 3/5 full at the moment.  And I’m OK with that.

15. Where would you want to retire?  I have no frickin’ idea right now. 

16. Favorite time of day?  Night.  It really is the best time to relax, unwind, de-stress…and chase ghosts!

17. Where were you born?  186945-11 according to my Test Tube label.... It's lovely this time of year.  

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?  College Football.  Go Irish!......and Curling.  

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?  I was told that playing Tag was illegal now. 

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?  I repeat playing Tag is illegal now!

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?  Anastasia Romanov.  That chick owes me 5 bucks!

22. Bird watcher?  Does the finger count?

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?  Refer to Question 16, damnit! 

24. Do you have any pets?  One cat.  His life expectancy is debatable on a daily basis.  

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?  Francisco Franco is still dead.  

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A Naval Aviator.  I recently received a letter that several three star Admirals are, to this day, still laughing about that.  

27. What is your best childhood memory? When my Mom bought a trombone for me in the seventh grade because she believed in me……or maybe because she new I’d make a saxophone sound like a wounded yak.   

28. Are you a cat or dog person?  I’ve already said the cat’s life expectancy is debatable.  

29. Are you married? Yes!  Otherwise we’ve been living a lie for years! 

30. Always wear your seat belt? You bet.  Unless I want to thumb my nose at authority and damn the man!…..oh, who am I kidding?  I wear it all the time. 

31. Been in a car accident?  Yes…………that’s all I can tell you about it until 2018.  

32. Any pet peeves?  Peeves are not good pets, in my opinion.  They are difficult to potty train and ruin furniture.  Peeves are right up there with cats in the life expectancy department. 

33. Favorite pizza toppings?  I’d like a large combination on the pan crust please.  OK. And I have a coupon for ‘Buy a large, get a medium free’……yeah……well, I got it in the paper……no its not expired…….seriously, the coupon is still good………no I don’t want crazy twists for $2.99, I want a FREE additional medium cheese pizza like the coupon says…….Are you implying I cant read, man?......you know what?  I’m going to McDonalds!  *click*

34. Favorite flower? Rose……every one of them has its thorn, you know.  

35. Favorite ice cream? Peanut Butter and Chocolate from B n R……..when I can raise the 3,000 dollars it takes to buy a scoop there.  Seriously, what is up with their prices?  It’s just ice cream!  What, are they milking the cows on site?  Are they making the stuff by hand?  Do I at least get a beer or a massage with my 3,000 dollar scoop...No?  Ok.  

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? J in the B.  

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Written once and driving none!  Suck it, Dragon Lady of the Hanford DMV!

38. From whom did you get your last email?  Not sure, but the Subject was “Boys, enlarge your member with our new cream for only $9.99!  Bill from Denver tried it and his wife was impressed!”

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?  The cream from back in question 38.  Although, Bill from Denver’s wife was not impressed and I now have a restraining order the state of Colorado for the next three years.  

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?  Refer to question 39.

41. Like your job?  Absolutely!  Except on every third Wednesday when I have a complete mental break-down and run through the office pretending I’m Paul Revere.  But, the docs say that should pass in a few years.  Did you know the British are coming? 

42. Broccoli?  You bet.  Some of my best farts have been broccoli related.  

43. What was your favorite vacation?  The second one when they went to Europe!  Oh, man!  They won that game show dressed like pigs and traveled across France and Germany and Rusty got to see that chick’s………um……that’s not what you’re asking is it?

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?  The family.  Applebees is still standing as far as I know.  

45. What are you listening to right now?  Silence……it’s golden you know. 

46. What is your favorite color?  Navy Blue.  It goes with my eyes.   ;)

47. How many tattoos do you have?  None.  I am a clean slate available for any of Jesse James’ trampy little girlfriends to ruin. 

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?  I don’t tag.  It’s an ugly verb.  How about “Surreptitiously Attach”?

49. What time did you finish this quiz?  Which time zone?  

50. Coffee Drinker?  Yes, but in moderation.  It gives me the trots if I drink it too much. 

Is that all?  Really?  I have so much more to tell!

#TWEET10000!!

Tweet 10,000

As anybody can guess, I am typically sarcastic and snarky in most, if not all, of my posts.  On any other day, I would definitely fulfill my self-imposed obligation to be a smart-ass.  But, today I chose to forgo my usual attitude and make this unimportant milestone a little nicer and tell you that we are..... 

HOME!

Today my wife, newborn daughter and I are home from a birth experience that began in the early hours of last Monday.  Babies are born to millions of women every day and this was our second child.  But it was still a singular experience.  Every child, every birth is special. 

I’d like to thank the Nurses, Doctors and staff of our Hospital and of all Hospitals who work hard every day to make this experience the best it can be for those millions of families, ours included.  You will notice that I mentioned Nurses first.  That is because they are the ones who work (and did they ever) the hardest answering the needs of mothers pre- and post-natal however demanding (or crazy) those needs may be.  You are my heroes today and always.  I also thank God for He has once again smiled down and given me a gift like no other.  A new life to love.  I now have a healthy newborn daughter along with my older beautiful daughter that He graced me with a few short years ago.  I also have a happy, healthy and very beautiful wife to share these blessings with. 

And we are HOME. 

Have a great day, everybody.  

.........and now, on with the show. 

Come in "Snow White"!

Not gonna lie to you, boys and girls.  I'm worried. Down right worried.  You see, I intercepted this secret CIA transmission last year and enlightened some of you with it. I thought it would have been taken care of by now.  But, by golly, it hasn't.  I think it may be time for the rest of us to remind some people of their jobs.  People named......Betty.

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The following is an intercepted message from an unknown classified point of broadcast to US Intelligence Agent codename “SNOW WHITE”.  As of 2220 (WDT), Ms. White's whereabouts are unknown.  

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BEGIN

16AUG2010

0235ZULU

PRIORITY: FLASH

TO: 011722

CC: DCI, DDI

FROM: DDO/CIA

SUBJECT: FORCED REMOVAL

TEXT FOLLOWS:

THREAT/PURPOSE-

Good day. Your assistance is required with the forced removal of a Subject that has recently been upgraded by POTUS to CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER. At approximately 2300 EDT (0300 ZULU) POTUS was observing television media coverage of his earlier swim in the Gulf of Mexico. His story was not the lead, though. His story was shrunk down to an approximately 25 second piece, only after 3 minutes, 28 seconds was devoted to Subject and her seemingly endless medical condition. POTUS was, understandably, upset and activated procedures to elevate Subject’s threat level and, subsequently, he has initiated a forced removal procedure.

SUBJECT/LOCATION-

ZSA ZSA GABOR: 06Feb1917 / Budapest, Hungary. Currently residing in Bel Air, CA/USA. Married to Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt. Anhalt’s actual name is Harry Bullswually of North Platte, NB. He is not of any actual royalty in any shape or form. Home purchased in 1974 from Elvis Presley. Built originally by Howard Hughes. Described by analysts as having a “Michael Jackson-like creepy interior” with no fewer than 17 hidden rooms devoted to various forms of fornication. Caution is advised for any and all inter-dwelling operations.

MISSION/OPERATION-

POTUS has allocated a budget of approximately $24.5 million for this operation. Based upon those adequate resources, Operations has developed the following scenario. You will first make contact with the Subject. You will befriend her and convince her to do a pilot for a television program named “Vaguely Outrageous” following the exploits and adventures of two elder ad-execs from an undisclosed city. It is essentially a rip off of the British show “Absolutely Fabulous”. Most American TV these days is as a result of UN Charter, Chapter IX, Article 55 sub A. Our analysts agree that, with the Subject’s already weakened state, you will only need to film approximately 55 seconds with her. This will definitely give you enough time to dispatch her. POTUS has informally requested that she be dispatched in similar fashion to your Hawaii Operation of 2008. Once the Subject has been dispatched, feel free to remain in seclusion or just appear on Dancing with the Stars again.

SECURITY/PROTOCOLS-

As per usual, this Agency, and all of its associated personnel will disavow any connection you may have to it if this operation is compromised in any way. We needn’t remind you of Cambodia, 1973, but we will. Cambodia, 1973 was a disaster.

Your west coast US contact/handler (Codename: Calf Fries) will make himself known to you sometime within the operation. Please attempt to keep this one alive, thank you (Cambodia, 1973).

Good Luck.

Transmit Approval: DCI/DDO

END

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The Most Deadly Assassin In The World!

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If you see this woman or have any way of contacting her.  Please let her know her country still depends on her.  

Transformer Playground Memories

Thinking fondly upon my glamorous childhood, I recall the greatness of school recess and the things we boys would do to occupy those precious brainless minutes. One such activity was the live action interpretation of one of the most important dramatic performances of the 20th Century.  This masterpiece, "The Transformers".  Here are but a few of my fondest memories from those golden years. If you are a male approximately 30ish-40ish years old, recall the greatness with me.  If you are out of this age range and/or female........well, try anyway.

When we played Transformers on the playground, everyone wanted to be Optimus Prime because the Dinobots were..um..slow.

No one wanted to be Jazz because he is one vowel change away from a weird conversation during battle.

We always agreed that the fat kid was Omega Supreme

If a FATTER kid arrived, we made him Unicron and told him to get lunch because we didn’t need him until the “movie” anyway. (Craft and Kraft Services)

The shortest kid was always Bumblebee. (Sucks To Be In Your Gene Pool)

I always volunteered for Soundwave because he was the easiest to contort into in real life. (These Things Matter Ladies)  To be Soundwave all I really had to do was stand around, talk slow and punch out a few cassettes now and then. Kind of like the Kardashians.

The rest of the cool kids turned into the 'planes' and just ran around. Starscream’s voice was pretty rough on the delicate vocal chords of a 10 year old though (See: Cobra Commander)

There was always one kid who wanted to suddenly throw in a Battlestar Gallactica character or to BE "GI Joe". Those were always good ass whoopings.

Megatron was always difficult to cast.  He was the leader of the Decepticons but he was also a gun! So, to 'transform' and be useful, you needed someone else to 'catch' you and 'fire' you. This usually resulted in just standing there and screaming at people. Just a lot easier.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Katy Perry / Seriously, she needs to be stopped.

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PUBLIC INJUNCTION ORDER

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To:       Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson / AKA Katy Perry

From:  Dave / As an agent of the People of the State of California

Re:      “CALIFORNIA GURLS” (Capitol Records, 2010)

The People of the State of California send greetings and advise the following:

You are herby ordered to immediately cease and desist any and all broadcast or performance of your musical attempt known as “California Gurls”.  It has come to the attention of the People that this song is not entertaining or catchy or poppy in any shape, form or capacity.  It is understood that you and, amazingly enough, 5 other persons, including Mr. Calvin Broadus (AKA Snoop Dog) of Long Beach, CA went to great lengths and utilized all of your combined musical “skills” to create this less than stellar example of lyrical erudition.  But, the People have come to the decision that this song does not meet our criteria to be broadcast inside the State of California.

Following is a list of reasons:

1. The synth/pop background is slow and weak.  My 3 year old laughs at it.  It sounds like my Atari and I keep thinking I’m playing Raiders of the Lost Ark. 
2. Your song runs a length of approximately 3 minutes, 56 seconds.  And it is composed of 395 words.  But only if you include Mr. Broadus’ quasi-solo.  Apparently he is impressed that you are driving a Jeep and that you live at the beach.  And, although, 395 words does sound like a large number, the whole song just sounds like you screaming "Oh, oh" over and over again in a high pitched tone that leads one to suspect that Mr. Broadus must be raping a dolphin. 
3. Finally, the direct marketing of your song as an overt attempt to be the default “song of the summer” offends the People of California.  Songs of Summer must occur through a number of naturally developing conditions.  Your attempts to independently liken your song to such classics as “Umbrella” by Rhiana, “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard and “Its Getting Hot In Herrrrrre” by Nelly have been summarily rejected. 

Based upon the above, an injunction has been ordered by the People of the State of California against any further broadcast or performance of this song within the geographic confines of the State of California along with any shared radio, television or satellite air waves of neighboring states.  Failure to comply may result in the seizure of any equipment or tools used to broadcast the song.  If performed live in public, you may be arrested by authorities and punished with severe fines and a time of incarceration equaling no less then until the day you pass from this earth.  Please note that this injunction does not have an effect upon any of your other works.  Although, the State of California reserves the right to reverse that decision at any time.

Your cooperation is appreciated in this matter.  Please feel free to sing and perform other music.  But, please do not invoke the name of our great State in any form ever again.  This is California, Ms. Hudson.  We take ourselves very seriously here. 

Sincerely,

Dave

For the People of the State of California. 

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Enemy of the State.