Sunday, February 13, 2011

Katy Perry / Seriously, she needs to be stopped.


To:       Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson / AKA Katy Perry

From:  Dave / As an agent of the People of the State of California

Re:      “CALIFORNIA GURLS” (Capitol Records, 2010)

The People of the State of California send greetings and advise the following:

You are herby ordered to immediately cease and desist any and all broadcast or performance of your musical attempt known as “California Gurls”.  It has come to the attention of the People that this song is not entertaining or catchy or poppy in any shape, form or capacity.  It is understood that you and, amazingly enough, 5 other persons, including Mr. Calvin Broadus (AKA Snoop Dog) of Long Beach, CA went to great lengths and utilized all of your combined musical “skills” to create this less than stellar example of lyrical erudition.  But, the People have come to the decision that this song does not meet our criteria to be broadcast inside the State of California.

Following is a list of reasons:

  1. The synth/pop background is slow and weak.  My 3 year old laughs at it.  It sounds like my Atari and I keep thinking I’m playing Raiders of the Lost Ark. 
  2. Your song runs a length of approximately 3 minutes, 56 seconds.  And it is composed of 395 words.  But only if you include Mr. Broadus’ quasi-solo.  Apparently he is impressed that you are driving a Jeep and that you live at the beach.  And, although, 395 words does sound like a large number, the whole song just sounds like you screaming "Oh, oh" over and over again in a high pitched tone that leads one to suspect that Mr. Broadus must be raping a dolphin. 
  3. Finally, the direct marketing of your song as an overt attempt to be the default “song of the summer” offends the People of California.  Songs of Summer must occur through a number of naturally developing conditions.  Your attempts to independently liken your song to such classics as “Umbrella” by Rhiana, “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard and “Its Getting Hot In Herrrrrre” by Nelly have been summarily rejected. 
Based upon the above, an injunction has been ordered by the People of the State of California against any further broadcast or performance of this song within the geographic confines of the State of California along with any shared radio, television or satellite air waves of neighboring states.  Failure to comply may result in the seizure of any equipment or tools used to broadcast the song.  If performed live in public, you may be arrested by authorities and punished with severe fines and a time of incarceration equaling no less then until the day you pass from this earth.  Please note that this injunction does not have an effect upon any of your other works.  Although, the State of California reserves the right to reverse that decision at any time.

Your cooperation is appreciated in this matter.  Please feel free to sing and perform other music.  But, please do not invoke the name of our great State in any form ever again.  This is California, Ms. Hudson.  We take ourselves very seriously here. 


For the People of the State of California. 


Enemy of the State.

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