Goodnight weekend
Goodnight cows that give steaks for the weekend
Goodnight red lights
In the dark bar room
Goodnight Bears (go Raiders)
Goodnight lawn chairs
Goodnight our pittance
For those that where mittens
Goodnight clocks
Do I have clean socks?
Must be a pair in this house
Maybe over by the mouse
Well I know I have a comb
Its over by the brush
Sitting in the bowl
Of week old oat mush
And now my old lady is screaming, "Hush!"
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere.......sorry, I had the chili.
Long live the weekend. The weekend is dead. - The Jam
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The 12 Days of Compton - Dave remembers Christmas in L.A. from days of yore!
On the 12th day of Compton, my homies gave to me....
12 40's of King Cobra
11 peeps out of prison
10 blunts a smokin'
9 ladies a lap-dancin'
8 Baby-mommas milkin'
7 Cops be profilin'
6 Keys of smack
5 Golden bliiiinngs.......yo!
4 Call girls
3 French Fries
2 Purple kool aids
And I'm not the Baby-Daddy says Maury
Alternate ending!
And a Ford Escort painted like a Bentley!
Merry Christmas! Word to your mother, one and all!
12 40's of King Cobra
11 peeps out of prison
10 blunts a smokin'
9 ladies a lap-dancin'
8 Baby-mommas milkin'
7 Cops be profilin'
6 Keys of smack
5 Golden bliiiinngs.......yo!
4 Call girls
3 French Fries
2 Purple kool aids
And I'm not the Baby-Daddy says Maury
Alternate ending!
And a Ford Escort painted like a Bentley!
Merry Christmas! Word to your mother, one and all!
The Twelve Days of Superflous Trivia.....Dave tackles a holiday favorite AGAIN!!
On the twelfth day of Superfluous Trivia, my Internet gave to me……
Twelve idiots to a jury couldn't convict OJ for murder.
Eleven minutes into Ghostbusters they get the crap scared out of them by the librarian ghost-“GET HER!”
Ten Apples Up On Top was written by Theo. Lesieg.
Nine Inch Nails is really just Trent Reznor.
Eight vertices has a cube.
Seven Continents together formed Pangea.
Six Flags was started in 1960
FIVE GOOOOOLD BAAAAAAARRSS.....would weigh roughly 2195 ounces.....
Four pecks to a bushel
Three Amigos was directed by John Landis
Two Dicks played Darrin
And Hitler only had one ball!
THANK YOU!
Twelve idiots to a jury couldn't convict OJ for murder.
Eleven minutes into Ghostbusters they get the crap scared out of them by the librarian ghost-“GET HER!”
Ten Apples Up On Top was written by Theo. Lesieg.
Nine Inch Nails is really just Trent Reznor.
Eight vertices has a cube.
Seven Continents together formed Pangea.
Six Flags was started in 1960
FIVE GOOOOOLD BAAAAAAARRSS.....would weigh roughly 2195 ounces.....
Four pecks to a bushel
Three Amigos was directed by John Landis
Two Dicks played Darrin
And Hitler only had one ball!
THANK YOU!
Dave gives you the Top Ten Myths Barry could have debunked on Mythbusters, but didn’t.
10: The Moon Landing was faked by Chileans in a farm outside Winnemucca, NV.
9: If you drink red wine out of John Adams’ skull, you’ll never pass gas again.
8: Kokomo by The Beach Boys was written by Mother Theresa on a coke bender.
7: If you drop a penny off the Sears Tower, Ronald Reagan could catch it in his hair.
6: If you turn your Blackberry on and off 10 times while traveling in a plane, the toilets will spontaneously flush.
5: Green Eggs and Ham will cure gout on Thursdays in November.
4: Driving a 1966 Lincoln Continental at 122 M.P.H. through the rain will iron your shirt.
3: Pope John XXIII and Elvis Presley were first cousins on theirs mothers’ side.
2. Digging a hole to China will always take you to Cleveland.
1.And the greatest myth of them all to bust: BARRY WAS BORN IN FRESNO!!
9: If you drink red wine out of John Adams’ skull, you’ll never pass gas again.
8: Kokomo by The Beach Boys was written by Mother Theresa on a coke bender.
7: If you drop a penny off the Sears Tower, Ronald Reagan could catch it in his hair.
6: If you turn your Blackberry on and off 10 times while traveling in a plane, the toilets will spontaneously flush.
5: Green Eggs and Ham will cure gout on Thursdays in November.
4: Driving a 1966 Lincoln Continental at 122 M.P.H. through the rain will iron your shirt.
3: Pope John XXIII and Elvis Presley were first cousins on theirs mothers’ side.
2. Digging a hole to China will always take you to Cleveland.
1.And the greatest myth of them all to bust: BARRY WAS BORN IN FRESNO!!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Dave ensures Peace In The Middle East In Three Steps......You're welcome, Barry
To: President Barrack Obama
The White House
From: Dave
Somewhere in California
Subject: PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST IN THREE STEPS.
Dear Mr. President,
Your letter of request for informal counsel was received on the 15th of this month by my immediate supervisor (wife). After reading your letter, I took liberty to digest it mentally (picked it up and put it down over several beers). The following is my response to your request.
For your consideration, I would like to present several points of observation and potential steps of action that I, humbly, believe would more than likely rectify most if not all of the social, economic and political struggles currently affecting not only the Iraq/Iran theater of operations but the entire region as well.
Observation #1:
The expression MIDDLE EAST has been around since……..well, a long time. But, I’m not sure this area of the world has ever liked being called THE MIDDLE. As in, ‘just the MIDDLE’ or, ‘the MIDDLE of the road’ or ‘stuck in the MIDDLE’. I mean, would you like to be told all your life that you’re from a region named after a Stealers Wheels song lyric? Of, course not!
Proposed STEP #1:
The President of The United States (POTUS) holds a summit inviting all the major cartographers of the world to decide on a new name for the region. Obviously NEAR and FAR EAST are taken already. But, you wouldn’t even necessarily need to denote what part of the EAST it is. How about we just call the area roughly from Egypt to Pakistan……THE STEVE? Catchy, isn’t it? THE STEVE! Political, Military and Religious leaders would be able to create peace through new pride in their region. And they can make that pride work in positive ways. Tourism will skyrocket feeding each nation's coffers and negating any need to go to war or argue over cultural differences because they will be so busy living in THE STEVE. And who wouldn’t want to vacation or conduct business in THE STEVE? “Where’s Bob?” “Bob’s in Lebanon.” “Wow, meetings in THE STEVE again? Bob’s the man!”
Observation #2:
Along the same lines as Observation #1, I’d like to focus your attention on two specific countries located in THE STEVE (see, you like the name already don’t you?). These are two countries that are currently in our national focus. Over the years, I couldn’t help but notice that Iraq and Iran pretty much are not fond of each other. Now, any person can tell you that the root of the problem lies with a cultural clash started hundreds of years ago following the death of the Prophet Muhammad when one faction believed that control of the faith should then be elected from the Prophet’s peers, but another faction believed the control of the faith should remain in the Prophet’s family. Since then, there have been many other factors creating the tension. And, of course, there was a very large WAR in the 80’s as well. No unity and no peace. But, what if the solution is all in a name here as well?
Proposed STEP #2:
Iraq and Iran. The names are so close and yet, the countries so far apart. It is my opinion, though, that a positive change can be made to the two nations by joining them under a name closely resembling each of their own respective names. The two can be combined as the United States of IROCKON. Do you see what I mean? Let me say it again. IROCKON. Say it out loud. IROCKON. Say it again. IROCKON. How’s that for boosting your national ego and setting aside cultural differences? The name is direct and forceful with ALL CAPS, no matter what. A spirit of rock tells the world, we may be bent on domination some of the time, but the rest of the time we like to party. With a name like IROCKON, every guy in that country is gonna get………well, let’s just say they’ll be happy. The United States of IROCKON works alongside the renaming of THE STEVE region as well. “Hey Doug! Where you spending spring break?” “Oh, man! Me and the bros from Sigma Nu are flyin’ into Basrah. We’re gonna party and tube down the Tigris out into the Gulf. Its gonna be stellar! You should go with us, Bro!” “An IROCKON Spring Break in THE STEVE? How can anybody pass that up?” And, if you can pull it off, STEP 2 is guaranteed to mitigate your Iran problem and prevent any need for further military intervention in the future. They’ll be way too busy partying in IROCKON!
Now, Mr. President, those are but two ideas guaranteed to solve all kinds of problems. But you won’t get them to work without the third…….a leader.
Observation #3:
Its safe to say that THE STEVE has had no trouble finding strong leaders over the previous millennium and into the 21st century. Leadership such as: Kings, Sultans, Colonialism, UN designated Protectorates, Oil Companies, megalomaniacal tyrant dictators bent on world domination and The Disney Corporation (the last two are not mutually exclusive). And the United States of America has done its fair share of “installing leadership” for many, many, many……….many nations across THE STEVE. The results have been “mixed” over the years. But, in this new century and new frontier for IROCKON, a leader will be needed to solidify the fledgling nation, bring the people together and create a period of positive nationalism. A leader with established credentials in unifying tens of thousand of people under one banner and the unmistakable ability to create a new cultural identity of peace, love and more love…..and some more love. You need a true leader. But, who will that leader be?
Proposed STEP #3:
Your answer, two words: Bret F’n Michaels! OK, that’s three words, but pay attention! A review of his credentials first. Mr. Michaels has successfully led a multi-platinum rock back for over 20 years. Mr. Michaels band, Poison, has been responsible for 19 Billboard Top 100 hits including 15 Top 40 and a Number one hit as well. For years Mr. Michaels has fronted this coalition across the world with the power to unite millions in sold out arenas everywhere. Mr. Michaels has also proven to be a strong, wise and prudent leader in the financial arena as well. His performance on The Apprentice impressed Donald Trump enough to give Mr. Michaels a job. That’s a pretty spectacular endorsement. Mr. Michaels has years of leadership and cultural unification experience. But, he is still in the prime of his life and is ready to lead IROCKON. Think about it. Peace, prosperity, the first strip club in Tehran ever. These are all things Mr. Michaels can bring as the leader of IROCKON. If you make it happen.
In closing, I’d like to thank you once again, Mr. President, for the opportunity to advise you on this critical national security and foreign policy decision. I’d like to remind you that these three steps are essential to creating the kind of security and peace our nation strives to achieve. And, for your own legacy, think how the history books of your grandchildren will praise you as the man responsible for world peace by making Bret Michaels the President of the United States of IROCKON, a part of THE STEVE.
Sincerely,
Dave
Citizen
Attachments: Photograph of Mr. Bret Michaels
cc: US Department of State, US Department of Defense, US Centers For Disease Control, C.C. Deville, Bobby Dall, Rikki Rocket
The White House
From: Dave
Somewhere in California
Subject: PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST IN THREE STEPS.
Dear Mr. President,
Your letter of request for informal counsel was received on the 15th of this month by my immediate supervisor (wife). After reading your letter, I took liberty to digest it mentally (picked it up and put it down over several beers). The following is my response to your request.
For your consideration, I would like to present several points of observation and potential steps of action that I, humbly, believe would more than likely rectify most if not all of the social, economic and political struggles currently affecting not only the Iraq/Iran theater of operations but the entire region as well.
Observation #1:
The expression MIDDLE EAST has been around since……..well, a long time. But, I’m not sure this area of the world has ever liked being called THE MIDDLE. As in, ‘just the MIDDLE’ or, ‘the MIDDLE of the road’ or ‘stuck in the MIDDLE’. I mean, would you like to be told all your life that you’re from a region named after a Stealers Wheels song lyric? Of, course not!
Proposed STEP #1:
The President of The United States (POTUS) holds a summit inviting all the major cartographers of the world to decide on a new name for the region. Obviously NEAR and FAR EAST are taken already. But, you wouldn’t even necessarily need to denote what part of the EAST it is. How about we just call the area roughly from Egypt to Pakistan……THE STEVE? Catchy, isn’t it? THE STEVE! Political, Military and Religious leaders would be able to create peace through new pride in their region. And they can make that pride work in positive ways. Tourism will skyrocket feeding each nation's coffers and negating any need to go to war or argue over cultural differences because they will be so busy living in THE STEVE. And who wouldn’t want to vacation or conduct business in THE STEVE? “Where’s Bob?” “Bob’s in Lebanon.” “Wow, meetings in THE STEVE again? Bob’s the man!”
Observation #2:
Along the same lines as Observation #1, I’d like to focus your attention on two specific countries located in THE STEVE (see, you like the name already don’t you?). These are two countries that are currently in our national focus. Over the years, I couldn’t help but notice that Iraq and Iran pretty much are not fond of each other. Now, any person can tell you that the root of the problem lies with a cultural clash started hundreds of years ago following the death of the Prophet Muhammad when one faction believed that control of the faith should then be elected from the Prophet’s peers, but another faction believed the control of the faith should remain in the Prophet’s family. Since then, there have been many other factors creating the tension. And, of course, there was a very large WAR in the 80’s as well. No unity and no peace. But, what if the solution is all in a name here as well?
Proposed STEP #2:
Iraq and Iran. The names are so close and yet, the countries so far apart. It is my opinion, though, that a positive change can be made to the two nations by joining them under a name closely resembling each of their own respective names. The two can be combined as the United States of IROCKON. Do you see what I mean? Let me say it again. IROCKON. Say it out loud. IROCKON. Say it again. IROCKON. How’s that for boosting your national ego and setting aside cultural differences? The name is direct and forceful with ALL CAPS, no matter what. A spirit of rock tells the world, we may be bent on domination some of the time, but the rest of the time we like to party. With a name like IROCKON, every guy in that country is gonna get………well, let’s just say they’ll be happy. The United States of IROCKON works alongside the renaming of THE STEVE region as well. “Hey Doug! Where you spending spring break?” “Oh, man! Me and the bros from Sigma Nu are flyin’ into Basrah. We’re gonna party and tube down the Tigris out into the Gulf. Its gonna be stellar! You should go with us, Bro!” “An IROCKON Spring Break in THE STEVE? How can anybody pass that up?” And, if you can pull it off, STEP 2 is guaranteed to mitigate your Iran problem and prevent any need for further military intervention in the future. They’ll be way too busy partying in IROCKON!
Now, Mr. President, those are but two ideas guaranteed to solve all kinds of problems. But you won’t get them to work without the third…….a leader.
Observation #3:
Its safe to say that THE STEVE has had no trouble finding strong leaders over the previous millennium and into the 21st century. Leadership such as: Kings, Sultans, Colonialism, UN designated Protectorates, Oil Companies, megalomaniacal tyrant dictators bent on world domination and The Disney Corporation (the last two are not mutually exclusive). And the United States of America has done its fair share of “installing leadership” for many, many, many……….many nations across THE STEVE. The results have been “mixed” over the years. But, in this new century and new frontier for IROCKON, a leader will be needed to solidify the fledgling nation, bring the people together and create a period of positive nationalism. A leader with established credentials in unifying tens of thousand of people under one banner and the unmistakable ability to create a new cultural identity of peace, love and more love…..and some more love. You need a true leader. But, who will that leader be?
Proposed STEP #3:
Your answer, two words: Bret F’n Michaels! OK, that’s three words, but pay attention! A review of his credentials first. Mr. Michaels has successfully led a multi-platinum rock back for over 20 years. Mr. Michaels band, Poison, has been responsible for 19 Billboard Top 100 hits including 15 Top 40 and a Number one hit as well. For years Mr. Michaels has fronted this coalition across the world with the power to unite millions in sold out arenas everywhere. Mr. Michaels has also proven to be a strong, wise and prudent leader in the financial arena as well. His performance on The Apprentice impressed Donald Trump enough to give Mr. Michaels a job. That’s a pretty spectacular endorsement. Mr. Michaels has years of leadership and cultural unification experience. But, he is still in the prime of his life and is ready to lead IROCKON. Think about it. Peace, prosperity, the first strip club in Tehran ever. These are all things Mr. Michaels can bring as the leader of IROCKON. If you make it happen.
In closing, I’d like to thank you once again, Mr. President, for the opportunity to advise you on this critical national security and foreign policy decision. I’d like to remind you that these three steps are essential to creating the kind of security and peace our nation strives to achieve. And, for your own legacy, think how the history books of your grandchildren will praise you as the man responsible for world peace by making Bret Michaels the President of the United States of IROCKON, a part of THE STEVE.
Sincerely,
Dave
Citizen
Attachments: Photograph of Mr. Bret Michaels
cc: US Department of State, US Department of Defense, US Centers For Disease Control, C.C. Deville, Bobby Dall, Rikki Rocket
Dave studies Carl Weathers/Bud Light/Hot Dogs?
I've become warry the new Bud Light commercials with Carl Weathers. Now, the commercials are funny. The whole 'Don't send the Z's for tacos' and stuff. Funny funny.
Anyway. What makes me...well, kinda' naseous is the end of the commercials. Carl talks to the camera and then directs the camera to his playbook binder. He then closes the binder and sets it on, what appears to be, his lap. Suddenly, and with the binder still on Carl Weathers' lap, a smaller Carl Weathers bursts through the binder and starts screaming at us! This leads a reasonable person (yours truly) to question from where did the little Carl Weathers originate. This also leads the same reasonable person (yours truly) to presume that the little Carl Weathers had to originate from under the binder. Stay with me here. That means that little Carl Weathers originated from big Carl Weathers lap! Now, we've all learned about subliminal advertising, Bud Light. But a screaming Carl Weathers phallus bursting through a binder does not make me want to buy your beer..........but why do I have a craving for hot dogs?
Anyway. What makes me...well, kinda' naseous is the end of the commercials. Carl talks to the camera and then directs the camera to his playbook binder. He then closes the binder and sets it on, what appears to be, his lap. Suddenly, and with the binder still on Carl Weathers' lap, a smaller Carl Weathers bursts through the binder and starts screaming at us! This leads a reasonable person (yours truly) to question from where did the little Carl Weathers originate. This also leads the same reasonable person (yours truly) to presume that the little Carl Weathers had to originate from under the binder. Stay with me here. That means that little Carl Weathers originated from big Carl Weathers lap! Now, we've all learned about subliminal advertising, Bud Light. But a screaming Carl Weathers phallus bursting through a binder does not make me want to buy your beer..........but why do I have a craving for hot dogs?
Lance and Brett discuss retirement......and gravy.
///**Begin Transcript**///
*phone ringing*
*phone picks up, gets dropped on ground, picked up again, muffled sounds for approximately 10-12 seconds*
L: mmmmmmmm…..hello?
B: ARMSTRONG! Wake up!
L: Brett? Oh, hey man. Do you know what time it is?
B: Yeah, dude, it’s 11 in the morning. How long you been asleep?
L: Well, Phelps was here last night. We hit the-uh…well, we were up all night.
B: Ah! Hangin’ with the Marijuanaquaman again? Aren’t you worried about the piss tests, bro?
L: Well, they haven’t caught me yet!
*laughter from both for approximately 1 minute*
B: You are so awesome, Lance! Riding a bike and getting paid! Then you ride a bike. And then you get paid! Then you ride a-
L: Brett, are we gonna do this again?
B: Nah! I’m just saying, you know. Its not as if you got twelve 300 pound goliaths running at you like freight trains trying to kill you or nothing.
L: Brett!
B: I mean, what do you worry about? 112 pound Jacques might slide a little and you fall off your bike?
L: Dude! Did you see my AMGEN wreck? I had to go to the frickin’ hospital!
B: ………..right.
L: *sigh* Brett! Is there a reason why you woke me up?
B: Well, I wanted to talk to about this retiring thing-
L: Ah! This again! You’ve changed your mind like 13 times in the last 48 hours. What IS your decision at this moment?
B: Oh, I’m retiring. I mean, have you seen my x-rays? I’m pretty F’d up!
L: OK, so what’s the big deal? Retire! Just Retire!
B: Well, I want to know what you are doing? You know with the bike thing?
L: It’s not a “thing”, Brett, its competitive racing. And I’m going to keep on doing as long as I want.
B: What about that Tour de Frog thing?
L: France, Brett. It’s the Tour de FRANCE. Dear, Lord! Do you read?
B: Whatever, Eurotrash, are you gonna do it again next year?
L: I’m not sure. But, if I can, I will. It’s a complete challenge of my body and mind. The race gathers dozens of top competitors on one road to be victorious over the clock, each other and themselves. It was a dream for me from a young age. I’ll keep at it as long as I can ride.
*silence for approximately 20 seconds*
L: Brett, you there? Crap did you hang up on me you son of a-
B: No, man, I’m here. I was just thinkin’ about what you said about your little bike club thing.
L: DAMNIT, Favre-
B: Hang on! I’m serious. The words you said are like how I feel about football……..and gravy, and deep fat fried snickers……but, especially football……Dude, I’m coming out of retirement!
*sounds on the phone line of 47 FBI agents cheering*
L: What the hell was that?
B: I don’t know. I think my cordless is on the same frequency as my neighbors or something. It's been happening a lot lately.
L: ………OK. So, you’re coming back then?
B: Yes! I am coming back!
L: OK. For what team?
B: I’m thinkin’ the Raiders.
*sounds on the phone line of 47 FBI agents screaming expletives and obscenities interspersed with apparent death threats directed at Mr. Favre*
L: Dude! I’m hanging up!
*phone line clicks off. Recording continues with sounds of sobbing from agents*
*2 minutes later: Sound of a pistol going off is heard*
///**End Transcript**///
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