Not gonna lie to you, boys and girls. I'm worried. Down right worried. You see, I intercepted this secret CIA transmission last year and enlightened some of you with it. I thought it would have been taken care of by now. But, by golly, it hasn't. I think it may be time for the rest of us to remind some people of their jobs. People named......Betty.
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The following is an intercepted message from an unknown classified point of broadcast to US Intelligence Agent codename “SNOW WHITE”. As of 2220 (WDT), Ms. White's whereabouts are unknown.
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BEGIN
16AUG2010
0235ZULU
PRIORITY: FLASH
TO: 011722
CC: DCI, DDI
FROM: DDO/CIA
SUBJECT: FORCED REMOVAL
TEXT FOLLOWS:
THREAT/PURPOSE-
Good day. Your assistance is required with the forced removal of a Subject that has recently been upgraded by POTUS to CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER. At approximately 2300 EDT (0300 ZULU) POTUS was observing television media coverage of his earlier swim in the Gulf of Mexico. His story was not the lead, though. His story was shrunk down to an approximately 25 second piece, only after 3 minutes, 28 seconds was devoted to Subject and her seemingly endless medical condition. POTUS was, understandably, upset and activated procedures to elevate Subject’s threat level and, subsequently, he has initiated a forced removal procedure.
SUBJECT/LOCATION-
ZSA ZSA GABOR: 06Feb1917 / Budapest, Hungary. Currently residing in Bel Air, CA/USA. Married to Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt. Anhalt’s actual name is Harry Bullswually of North Platte, NB. He is not of any actual royalty in any shape or form. Home purchased in 1974 from Elvis Presley. Built originally by Howard Hughes. Described by analysts as having a “Michael Jackson-like creepy interior” with no fewer than 17 hidden rooms devoted to various forms of fornication. Caution is advised for any and all inter-dwelling operations.
MISSION/OPERATION-
POTUS has allocated a budget of approximately $24.5 million for this operation. Based upon those adequate resources, Operations has developed the following scenario. You will first make contact with the Subject. You will befriend her and convince her to do a pilot for a television program named “Vaguely Outrageous” following the exploits and adventures of two elder ad-execs from an undisclosed city. It is essentially a rip off of the British show “Absolutely Fabulous”. Most American TV these days is as a result of UN Charter, Chapter IX, Article 55 sub A. Our analysts agree that, with the Subject’s already weakened state, you will only need to film approximately 55 seconds with her. This will definitely give you enough time to dispatch her. POTUS has informally requested that she be dispatched in similar fashion to your Hawaii Operation of 2008. Once the Subject has been dispatched, feel free to remain in seclusion or just appear on Dancing with the Stars again.
SECURITY/PROTOCOLS-
As per usual, this Agency, and all of its associated personnel will disavow any connection you may have to it if this operation is compromised in any way. We needn’t remind you of Cambodia, 1973, but we will. Cambodia, 1973 was a disaster.
Your west coast US contact/handler (Codename: Calf Fries) will make himself known to you sometime within the operation. Please attempt to keep this one alive, thank you (Cambodia, 1973).
Good Luck.
Transmit Approval: DCI/DDO
END
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The Most Deadly Assassin In The World!
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If you see this woman or have any way of contacting her. Please let her know her country still depends on her.
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