Friday, May 20, 2011

Happy One day until the Fake End Of The World!!

As the day of reckoning quickly approaches, mere minutes away, I manage to continue my vigil of deep disrespect and satire towards the FAKE END OF THE WORLD.  Having established that, I make this final post to address one last issue:

Dave, what if you’re wrong?

Although some may gasp at the prospect of God having a sense of irony and even better sense of humor, I absolutely believe He does.  Why would God actually kick off the End Game just to make people like me look like fools?  Answer: Why Not?  So, I can (1) totally be wrong about the Fake End of The World not happening.  That’s Irony.  Even better, I can (2) not be “Raptured” and actually be Left Behind! And that’s Humor.  See what I mean?  God knows irony and humor.  (See: Kirstie Alley…..actually, don’t).

So, what if the “Rapture” occurs and I am Left Behind along with Kirk Cameron and Vince the creepy ShamWow Guy?  Many say that the three of us will live in a time of turmoil for a long period after the nice people have been whisked away from the Earth by Yahweh.  Well, here’s the scoop on THIS “Rapture”: It’s made up.  You all know this by now.  It’s made up by a crackpot who loves attention and does it by misinterpreting the Bible for his own goals.  So, along those lines, I’m going to answer him in kind.  Sure the “Rapture” is God swooping down and taking his chosen people.  But, wouldn’t he “leave” a few of the “chosen” behind to deal with whatever is about to occur and maybe antagonize whatever forces act negatively upon His planet. Wouldn’t that be ironic? (Shut up Alanis) 

So, a chosen few FROM the chosen few may be left behind as well. Me and Kirk Cameron the pussy and Vince the ShamWow guy that looks like ghoul #5 from any of the Buffy episodes.  You see, we're supposed to be Left Behind. 

Another problem I have always had with these idiots is their absolute belief that THEY will be the ones who are RAPTURED.  How do they know? Is there a list somewhere in Oakland where these guys are based? Maybe in Jack London Square?  (Oooo!  Is it at Kincaid’s? I LOVE that place!  Best Crab & Artichoke Dip ever!!)  Anyway, I never operate under the absolute assumption that I will be chosen by God.  Why?  Well, mostly because I’m Catholic.  If you’re a good Catholic, you walk around in a perpetual state of crushing guilt and self loathing.  You learn how in CCD somewhere around the third grade.  And the other reason is humility.  The ability and willingness to humble yourself before God.  “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you; but only say the word and I shall be healed”.  Those are the words you hear every Sunday if you're like me.  Here’s my point.  These people are not only deciding this day for God, they are deciding they are worthy enough to go.  Hope they’re right.  I choose not to be arrogant enough to assume.  Because it’s gonna be tough with me and Kirk and Vince the ShamWow Guy.  Maybe they should assume they're gonna sleep next to Vince.  

So, I’ll conclude my diatribe with only one more Bible reference.  Matthew 24:36.  Most of you know what's coming up before you read it.  Simply: "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”  If it happens tomorrow, its God’s decision.  Not some old whacko in Oakland.  It’s not my decision, and it’s definitely not his decision.  But, it is His (with a capital H) decision.  So, what do I know?  Nothing.  No degree in theology, no seminary.  But, what I do know is that I am a man who practices faith.  I am also a man humble enough to say “Lord, I am not worthy”. 

I'll see you on the other side, gang.  If you're not with us, dibs on your car.  


Show Me That Smile Again

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