'If' by Rudyard Kipling - My favorite.

Following The Bible, there are few books or documents that stand as "Instructions For Life" for a growing boy. This one, written in 1895, has always been one for me.  If you have a son.  Read it to him.  A lot. Give him a copy.  Put it on his wall.  He will thank you for it.  And when all hell is breaking loose, read it yourself.  God knows I still do.     


IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Demographic Tectonics - Or how I learned to love something birthdaylike

Demographic Tectonics

As my birthday draws near, I have chosen to mark yet another passing of the Earth around the sun.  And I am troubled.  So troubled.  Its not that I am aging in general, or even the specific year of which I am about to achieve.  I am only turning 35, somewhere between here and there.  What weighs down upon me like a stone is the fact that I…….I…….I’m exiting a key target demographic.

You see, this is America.  And the most important thing about you in America isn’t what you do, who you vote for or how you feel about light bulbs.  The most important thing about you and me in America is what target Demographic you and I fall in to.  And for the last 50 years, the single greatest, the single most important, the bestest, the most significant demographic to live in has been the 18-34 age group!

The 18-34 demographic has shaped the American society we have lived in for years in many ways.  Think about it.  Everything from the car you drive to the food you eat, to the beer you drink, to the water you drink, to the movies you watch, to the $250 running shoes you……..well, run in, have all been decided by trends and data extrapolated from the choices of the 18-34 demographic.  During the last sixteen years of my life, I have been part of the most significant age group in American Society.  It’s enough to scare the hell out of all of our grandparents.

Now you, being a reasonable person of sound mind, will probable relate to me that I will simply move on to a new demographic.  And in some areas of study, you would be correct.  But, in most cases, the next significant age demographic is not until 40.  That is what, like 7 or 9 years away!  So, American society is throwing me out into a void, a limbo, a chasm between significance!  My opinion on movies, and water, and beer and cars won’t matter until I’m 40.

I have to admit, though, this journey of insignificance will actually be quite easy.  And good training as well.  You see, I drink cheap water, cheap beer, I do own a truck that was pretty popular when I bought it, but it’s paid for now and I’m not getting another one.  So, to the powers that be, my opinion has been pretty worthless for years.  Thinking about the future, I have two daughters that will someday be teenagers.  So, this is the good training for the future when my opinion will definitely be useless.

I guess it’s not so bad after all.  No real reason to lament or create the illusion of wailing and mashing of teeth in response to this birthday.  But I am leaving a significant period of my life.  And the powers that be will not need me until 40.  The flip side is that they will really love me when I am 50.  50+ is the NEW power demographic thanks to the baby boomers.  And I’ll definitely have plenty to say to them when I get there.  Of course I’ll have plenty of gas as well.  I wonder what demographic that will put me in.  Probably one on my own.

-dave
 

I'm there, somewhere.

pic from jimbenton.com

What the 4th of July means to California.

What the 4^th of July means to people throughout California

Sacramento County: Time to screw the budget up.

Los Angeles County: Time to release the rest of the crappy movies.

Riverside County: Time to buy new Red Phosphorous.

Sand Diego County: Time to laugh at the thought of air conditioners.

Imperial County: Time to clean up after the old people.

Inyo County: Time to drive 400 miles for dinner.

Tulare County: Time to spray cotton and figure why your 15 yr olds are pregnant.

Fresno County: Time to get the hell out.

Mendocino County.  Time to change the bong water.

Siskiyou County: Time to request seceding to Oregon….again.

Kern County: Time to remember what the sky looked like. 

San Francisco County: Time to ban something else unnecessarily....and kick out the homeless.

Alameda County: Time to listen to Al Davis tantrum........again.

Santa Clara County: Time to play out that whole Silicon Valley thing again. 

San Benito County: Time to remind California there's a San Benito County. 

Butte County: Time to remind everyone that its not Butt County.  

Nevada County: Time to request seceding to Nevada.......to make the stationary easy.

Solano County:  Time to tour the Jelly Belly and Budweiser plants.......again.

Orange County: Time to build The Curtain higher.

Marin County: Time to nap with the doors unlocked then leave for Europe.

 Happy 4th of Something, Man!

I'll fill the rest in later. Send your angry letters to Me.  I'll respond in your dreams.

-Flava Dave, The best Dave in California

Newest Scandalous Weiner Pic.

Hey, guys. Found a new Anthony Weiner photo. Its pretty NSFW. Here you go.

Bringin It Up, Will Bring You Down.

A. Weiner, 2011

Memorial Day

If I speak freely, someone fought for it,

If I listen freely, someone sacrificed for it,

If I read freely, someone went ‘over there’ for it,

If I type freely, someone left their home and family for it,

If I raise the colors of my nation freely, someone raised a rifle in the face of danger for it,

If I nap on my couch freely, someone slept in a foxhole for it,

If I listen to my music freely, someone listened to artillery falling around them for it,

If I watch a movie freely, someone watched for the enemy coming from a tree line for it,

If I drive a car wherever I want, someone drove a tank into hell for it,

If I fly in a plane wherever I want, someone flew one over hell for it,

If I kiss my kids at night, someone kisses a picture of his for it,

If I hold my wife at night, someone holds a phone talking to his for it,

And, if I rest in my bed at night, someone is resting in the ground for it,

Because, I am free, and so many have died for it.

We remember today, and everyday, those that have sacrificed everything for our freedom, way of life and country. We are thankful. So we pay our respects. We literally owe everything to them. And we teach our children to do the same.

God, raise and keep the souls of those who have died for us. And, God bless America.

Dave Thomas,

Average American.

Happy One day until the Fake End Of The World!!

As the day of reckoning quickly approaches, mere minutes away, I manage to continue my vigil of deep disrespect and satire towards the FAKE END OF THE WORLD.  Having established that, I make this final post to address one last issue:

Dave, what if you’re wrong?

Although some may gasp at the prospect of God having a sense of irony and even better sense of humor, I absolutely believe He does.  Why would God actually kick off the End Game just to make people like me look like fools?  Answer: Why Not?  So, I can (1) totally be wrong about the Fake End of The World not happening.  That’s Irony.  Even better, I can (2) not be “Raptured” and actually be Left Behind! And that’s Humor.  See what I mean?  God knows irony and humor.  (See: Kirstie Alley…..actually, don’t).

So, what if the “Rapture” occurs and I am Left Behind along with Kirk Cameron and Vince the creepy ShamWow Guy?  Many say that the three of us will live in a time of turmoil for a long period after the nice people have been whisked away from the Earth by Yahweh.  Well, here’s the scoop on THIS “Rapture”: It’s made up.  You all know this by now.  It’s made up by a crackpot who loves attention and does it by misinterpreting the Bible for his own goals.  So, along those lines, I’m going to answer him in kind.  Sure the “Rapture” is God swooping down and taking his chosen people.  But, wouldn’t he “leave” a few of the “chosen” behind to deal with whatever is about to occur and maybe antagonize whatever forces act negatively upon His planet. Wouldn’t that be ironic? (Shut up Alanis) 

So, a chosen few FROM the chosen few may be left behind as well. Me and Kirk Cameron the pussy and Vince the ShamWow guy that looks like ghoul #5 from any of the Buffy episodes.  You see, we're supposed to be Left Behind. 

Another problem I have always had with these idiots is their absolute belief that THEY will be the ones who are RAPTURED.  How do they know? Is there a list somewhere in Oakland where these guys are based? Maybe in Jack London Square?  (Oooo!  Is it at Kincaid’s? I LOVE that place!  Best Crab & Artichoke Dip ever!!)  Anyway, I never operate under the absolute assumption that I will be chosen by God.  Why?  Well, mostly because I’m Catholic.  If you’re a good Catholic, you walk around in a perpetual state of crushing guilt and self loathing.  You learn how in CCD somewhere around the third grade.  And the other reason is humility.  The ability and willingness to humble yourself before God.  “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you; but only say the word and I shall be healed”.  Those are the words you hear every Sunday if you're like me.  Here’s my point.  These people are not only deciding this day for God, they are deciding they are worthy enough to go.  Hope they’re right.  I choose not to be arrogant enough to assume.  Because it’s gonna be tough with me and Kirk and Vince the ShamWow Guy.  Maybe they should assume they're gonna sleep next to Vince.  

So, I’ll conclude my diatribe with only one more Bible reference.  Matthew 24:36.  Most of you know what's coming up before you read it.  Simply: "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”  If it happens tomorrow, its God’s decision.  Not some old whacko in Oakland.  It’s not my decision, and it’s definitely not his decision.  But, it is His (with a capital H) decision.  So, what do I know?  Nothing.  No degree in theology, no seminary.  But, what I do know is that I am a man who practices faith.  I am also a man humble enough to say “Lord, I am not worthy”. 

I'll see you on the other side, gang.  If you're not with us, dibs on your car.  

-dave

Show Me That Smile Again

A Question and Answer Thingy...or, what I really think of Sweet Potatoes.

Here’s a Question and Answer thingy that I ripped off of somebody else’s page and planted on my own.  Feel free to read it and let it give you insight into my own life and mind.  More, importantly, let it be a lesson on how NOT to raise your kids!

1. What time did you get up this morning?  I’m solipsistic.  You can’t prove that I’m awake. 

2. How do you like your steak?  Medium Rare, like life.  Done on the outside, not done on the inside. (that doesn't make sense to me either)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?  Star Trek, the new one…….of course, its not new anymore. 

4. What is your favorite TV show?  The news.  I love happy things like war, famine, flood and pestilence explained to me in 30 second blocks followed by commercials for Rice-A-Roni and what’s coming up on today’s Jeopardy!  

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?  Where I am.....but can I remodel the bathroom first?

6. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing.  (Recommended by 1 out of 5 doctors!)

7. What is your favorite cuisine?  Italian followed by anything I can burn into obliteration on a Weber BBQ grille

 8. What foods do you dislike? Sweet Potatoes!  They are the DEVILS potatoes! THEY ARE THE DEVILS POTATOES!!

9. Favorite place to eat? Cattlemen’s Steakhouse.  A Pete’s Special makes me happy and gets you anything you want... (Offer not good in all states, some assembly required).

10. Favorite dressing?  10,000 island minus 9,000 island.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?  Toyota Tacoma.  Not the biggest truck.  But, that just means I’m okay with my own inferiority complex.  Talkin’ to you, lift kit Chevy boys!

12. What are your favorite clothes?  Blue jeans and a navy blue polo.....how about a blazer?

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?  Rome, Back to Kauai, and Ireland, of course.  Oh, and Russia to Lennon’s Tomb.  To pee on it.  Take that Communism!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?  It’s about 3/5 full at the moment.  And I’m OK with that.

15. Where would you want to retire?  I have no frickin’ idea right now. 

16. Favorite time of day?  Night.  It really is the best time to relax, unwind, de-stress…and chase ghosts!

17. Where were you born?  186945-11 according to my Test Tube label.... It's lovely this time of year.  

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?  College Football.  Go Irish!......and Curling.  

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?  I was told that playing Tag was illegal now. 

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?  I repeat playing Tag is illegal now!

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?  Anastasia Romanov.  That chick owes me 5 bucks!

22. Bird watcher?  Does the finger count?

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?  Refer to Question 16, damnit! 

24. Do you have any pets?  One cat.  His life expectancy is debatable on a daily basis.  

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?  Francisco Franco is still dead.  

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A Naval Aviator.  I recently received a letter that several three star Admirals are, to this day, still laughing about that.  

27. What is your best childhood memory? When my Mom bought a trombone for me in the seventh grade because she believed in me……or maybe because she new I’d make a saxophone sound like a wounded yak.   

28. Are you a cat or dog person?  I’ve already said the cat’s life expectancy is debatable.  

29. Are you married? Yes!  Otherwise we’ve been living a lie for years! 

30. Always wear your seat belt? You bet.  Unless I want to thumb my nose at authority and damn the man!…..oh, who am I kidding?  I wear it all the time. 

31. Been in a car accident?  Yes…………that’s all I can tell you about it until 2018.  

32. Any pet peeves?  Peeves are not good pets, in my opinion.  They are difficult to potty train and ruin furniture.  Peeves are right up there with cats in the life expectancy department. 

33. Favorite pizza toppings?  I’d like a large combination on the pan crust please.  OK. And I have a coupon for ‘Buy a large, get a medium free’……yeah……well, I got it in the paper……no its not expired…….seriously, the coupon is still good………no I don’t want crazy twists for $2.99, I want a FREE additional medium cheese pizza like the coupon says…….Are you implying I cant read, man?......you know what?  I’m going to McDonalds!  *click*

34. Favorite flower? Rose……every one of them has its thorn, you know.  

35. Favorite ice cream? Peanut Butter and Chocolate from B n R……..when I can raise the 3,000 dollars it takes to buy a scoop there.  Seriously, what is up with their prices?  It’s just ice cream!  What, are they milking the cows on site?  Are they making the stuff by hand?  Do I at least get a beer or a massage with my 3,000 dollar scoop...No?  Ok.  

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? J in the B.  

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Written once and driving none!  Suck it, Dragon Lady of the Hanford DMV!

38. From whom did you get your last email?  Not sure, but the Subject was “Boys, enlarge your member with our new cream for only $9.99!  Bill from Denver tried it and his wife was impressed!”

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?  The cream from back in question 38.  Although, Bill from Denver’s wife was not impressed and I now have a restraining order the state of Colorado for the next three years.  

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?  Refer to question 39.

41. Like your job?  Absolutely!  Except on every third Wednesday when I have a complete mental break-down and run through the office pretending I’m Paul Revere.  But, the docs say that should pass in a few years.  Did you know the British are coming? 

42. Broccoli?  You bet.  Some of my best farts have been broccoli related.  

43. What was your favorite vacation?  The second one when they went to Europe!  Oh, man!  They won that game show dressed like pigs and traveled across France and Germany and Rusty got to see that chick’s………um……that’s not what you’re asking is it?

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?  The family.  Applebees is still standing as far as I know.  

45. What are you listening to right now?  Silence……it’s golden you know. 

46. What is your favorite color?  Navy Blue.  It goes with my eyes.   ;)

47. How many tattoos do you have?  None.  I am a clean slate available for any of Jesse James’ trampy little girlfriends to ruin. 

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?  I don’t tag.  It’s an ugly verb.  How about “Surreptitiously Attach”?

49. What time did you finish this quiz?  Which time zone?  

50. Coffee Drinker?  Yes, but in moderation.  It gives me the trots if I drink it too much. 

Is that all?  Really?  I have so much more to tell!