To: President Barrack Obama
The White House
Somewhere in California
Subject: PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST IN THREE STEPS.
Dear Mr. President,
Your letter of request for informal counsel was received on the 15th of this month by my immediate supervisor (wife). After reading your letter, I took liberty to digest it mentally (picked it up and put it down over several beers). The following is my response to your request.
For your consideration, I would like to present several points of observation and potential steps of action that I, humbly, believe would more than likely rectify most if not all of the social, economic and political struggles currently affecting not only the Iraq/Iran theater of operations but the entire region as well.
The expression MIDDLE EAST has been around since……..well, a long time. But, I’m not sure this area of the world has ever liked being called THE MIDDLE. As in, ‘just the MIDDLE’ or, ‘the MIDDLE of the road’ or ‘stuck in the MIDDLE’. I mean, would you like to be told all your life that you’re from a region named after a Stealers Wheels song lyric? Of, course not!
Proposed STEP #1:
The President of The United States (POTUS) holds a summit inviting all the major cartographers of the world to decide on a new name for the region. Obviously NEAR and FAR EAST are taken already. But, you wouldn’t even necessarily need to denote what part of the EAST it is. How about we just call the area roughly from Egypt to Pakistan……THE STEVE? Catchy, isn’t it? THE STEVE! Political, Military and Religious leaders would be able to create peace through new pride in their region. And they can make that pride work in positive ways. Tourism will skyrocket feeding each nation's coffers and negating any need to go to war or argue over cultural differences because they will be so busy living in THE STEVE. And who wouldn’t want to vacation or conduct business in THE STEVE? “Where’s Bob?” “Bob’s in Lebanon.” “Wow, meetings in THE STEVE again? Bob’s the man!”
Along the same lines as Observation #1, I’d like to focus your attention on two specific countries located in THE STEVE (see, you like the name already don’t you?). These are two countries that are currently in our national focus. Over the years, I couldn’t help but notice that Iraq and Iran pretty much are not fond of each other. Now, any person can tell you that the root of the problem lies with a cultural clash started hundreds of years ago following the death of the Prophet Muhammad when one faction believed that control of the faith should then be elected from the Prophet’s peers, but another faction believed the control of the faith should remain in the Prophet’s family. Since then, there have been many other factors creating the tension. And, of course, there was a very large WAR in the 80’s as well. No unity and no peace. But, what if the solution is all in a name here as well?
Proposed STEP #2:
Iraq and Iran. The names are so close and yet, the countries so far apart. It is my opinion, though, that a positive change can be made to the two nations by joining them under a name closely resembling each of their own respective names. The two can be combined as the United States of IROCKON. Do you see what I mean? Let me say it again. IROCKON. Say it out loud. IROCKON. Say it again. IROCKON. How’s that for boosting your national ego and setting aside cultural differences? The name is direct and forceful with ALL CAPS, no matter what. A spirit of rock tells the world, we may be bent on domination some of the time, but the rest of the time we like to party. With a name like IROCKON, every guy in that country is gonna get………well, let’s just say they’ll be happy. The United States of IROCKON works alongside the renaming of THE STEVE region as well. “Hey Doug! Where you spending spring break?” “Oh, man! Me and the bros from Sigma Nu are flyin’ into Basrah. We’re gonna party and tube down the Tigris out into the Gulf. Its gonna be stellar! You should go with us, Bro!” “An IROCKON Spring Break in THE STEVE? How can anybody pass that up?” And, if you can pull it off, STEP 2 is guaranteed to mitigate your Iran problem and prevent any need for further military intervention in the future. They’ll be way too busy partying in IROCKON!
Now, Mr. President, those are but two ideas guaranteed to solve all kinds of problems. But you won’t get them to work without the third…….a leader.
Its safe to say that THE STEVE has had no trouble finding strong leaders over the previous millennium and into the 21st century. Leadership such as: Kings, Sultans, Colonialism, UN designated Protectorates, Oil Companies, megalomaniacal tyrant dictators bent on world domination and The Disney Corporation (the last two are not mutually exclusive). And the United States of America has done its fair share of “installing leadership” for many, many, many……….many nations across THE STEVE. The results have been “mixed” over the years. But, in this new century and new frontier for IROCKON, a leader will be needed to solidify the fledgling nation, bring the people together and create a period of positive nationalism. A leader with established credentials in unifying tens of thousand of people under one banner and the unmistakable ability to create a new cultural identity of peace, love and more love…..and some more love. You need a true leader. But, who will that leader be?
Proposed STEP #3:
Your answer, two words: Bret F’n Michaels! OK, that’s three words, but pay attention! A review of his credentials first. Mr. Michaels has successfully led a multi-platinum rock back for over 20 years. Mr. Michaels band, Poison, has been responsible for 19 Billboard Top 100 hits including 15 Top 40 and a Number one hit as well. For years Mr. Michaels has fronted this coalition across the world with the power to unite millions in sold out arenas everywhere. Mr. Michaels has also proven to be a strong, wise and prudent leader in the financial arena as well. His performance on The Apprentice impressed Donald Trump enough to give Mr. Michaels a job. That’s a pretty spectacular endorsement. Mr. Michaels has years of leadership and cultural unification experience. But, he is still in the prime of his life and is ready to lead IROCKON. Think about it. Peace, prosperity, the first strip club in Tehran ever. These are all things Mr. Michaels can bring as the leader of IROCKON. If you make it happen.
In closing, I’d like to thank you once again, Mr. President, for the opportunity to advise you on this critical national security and foreign policy decision. I’d like to remind you that these three steps are essential to creating the kind of security and peace our nation strives to achieve. And, for your own legacy, think how the history books of your grandchildren will praise you as the man responsible for world peace by making Bret Michaels the President of the United States of IROCKON, a part of THE STEVE.
Attachments: Photograph of Mr. Bret Michaels
cc: US Department of State, US Department of Defense, US Centers For Disease Control, C.C. Deville, Bobby Dall, Rikki Rocket