Thursday, January 27, 2011

Lance and Brett discuss retirement......and gravy.

The following is a transcript of a conversation recorded by an FBI wire tap (#32174-5). The wire tap was approved by the Director following a Special Request from the Nevada Gaming Commission to try and calculate the odds spread of these two geriatric floor patients returning back to their respective sports. The techs at the FBI were all too happy to oblige considering they already had the tap in place because of the Bureau’s own betting pool. Enjoy.

///**Begin Transcript**///

*phone ringing*
*phone picks up, gets dropped on ground, picked up again, muffled sounds for approximately 10-12 seconds*
L: mmmmmmmm…..hello?
B: ARMSTRONG! Wake up!
L: Brett? Oh, hey man. Do you know what time it is?
B: Yeah, dude, it’s 11 in the morning. How long you been asleep?
L: Well, Phelps was here last night. We hit the-uh…well, we were up all night.
B: Ah! Hangin’ with the Marijuanaquaman again? Aren’t you worried about the piss tests, bro?
L: Well, they haven’t caught me yet!
*laughter from both for approximately 1 minute*
B: You are so awesome, Lance! Riding a bike and getting paid! Then you ride a bike. And then you get paid! Then you ride a-
L: Brett, are we gonna do this again?
B: Nah! I’m just saying, you know. Its not as if you got twelve 300 pound goliaths running at you like freight trains trying to kill you or nothing.
L: Brett!
B: I mean, what do you worry about? 112 pound Jacques might slide a little and you fall off your bike?
L: Dude! Did you see my AMGEN wreck? I had to go to the frickin’ hospital!
B: ………..right.
L: *sigh* Brett! Is there a reason why you woke me up?
B: Well, I wanted to talk to about this retiring thing-
L: Ah! This again! You’ve changed your mind like 13 times in the last 48 hours. What IS your decision at this moment?
B: Oh, I’m retiring. I mean, have you seen my x-rays? I’m pretty F’d up!
L: OK, so what’s the big deal? Retire! Just Retire!
B: Well, I want to know what you are doing? You know with the bike thing?
L: It’s not a “thing”, Brett, its competitive racing. And I’m going to keep on doing as long as I want.
B: What about that Tour de Frog thing?
L: France, Brett. It’s the Tour de FRANCE. Dear, Lord! Do you read?
B: Whatever, Eurotrash, are you gonna do it again next year?
L: I’m not sure. But, if I can, I will. It’s a complete challenge of my body and mind. The race gathers dozens of top competitors on one road to be victorious over the clock, each other and themselves. It was a dream for me from a young age. I’ll keep at it as long as I can ride.
*silence for approximately 20 seconds*
L: Brett, you there? Crap did you hang up on me you son of a-
B: No, man, I’m here. I was just thinkin’ about what you said about your little bike club thing.
L: DAMNIT, Favre-
B: Hang on! I’m serious. The words you said are like how I feel about football……..and gravy, and deep fat fried snickers……but, especially football……Dude, I’m coming out of retirement!
*sounds on the phone line of 47 FBI agents cheering*
L: What the hell was that?
B: I don’t know. I think my cordless is on the same frequency as my neighbors or something. It's been happening a lot lately.
L: ………OK. So, you’re coming back then?
B: Yes! I am coming back!
L: OK. For what team?
B: I’m thinkin’ the Raiders.
*sounds on the phone line of 47 FBI agents screaming expletives and obscenities interspersed with apparent death threats directed at Mr. Favre*
L: Dude! I’m hanging up!
*phone line clicks off. Recording continues with sounds of sobbing from agents*
*2 minutes later: Sound of a pistol going off is heard*

///**End Transcript**///

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