#TWEET10000!!

Tweet 10,000

As anybody can guess, I am typically sarcastic and snarky in most, if not all, of my posts.  On any other day, I would definitely fulfill my self-imposed obligation to be a smart-ass.  But, today I chose to forgo my usual attitude and make this unimportant milestone a little nicer and tell you that we are..... 

HOME!

Today my wife, newborn daughter and I are home from a birth experience that began in the early hours of last Monday.  Babies are born to millions of women every day and this was our second child.  But it was still a singular experience.  Every child, every birth is special. 

I’d like to thank the Nurses, Doctors and staff of our Hospital and of all Hospitals who work hard every day to make this experience the best it can be for those millions of families, ours included.  You will notice that I mentioned Nurses first.  That is because they are the ones who work (and did they ever) the hardest answering the needs of mothers pre- and post-natal however demanding (or crazy) those needs may be.  You are my heroes today and always.  I also thank God for He has once again smiled down and given me a gift like no other.  A new life to love.  I now have a healthy newborn daughter along with my older beautiful daughter that He graced me with a few short years ago.  I also have a happy, healthy and very beautiful wife to share these blessings with. 

And we are HOME. 

Have a great day, everybody.  

.........and now, on with the show. 

Come in "Snow White"!

Not gonna lie to you, boys and girls.  I'm worried. Down right worried.  You see, I intercepted this secret CIA transmission last year and enlightened some of you with it. I thought it would have been taken care of by now.  But, by golly, it hasn't.  I think it may be time for the rest of us to remind some people of their jobs.  People named......Betty.

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The following is an intercepted message from an unknown classified point of broadcast to US Intelligence Agent codename “SNOW WHITE”.  As of 2220 (WDT), Ms. White's whereabouts are unknown.  

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BEGIN

16AUG2010

0235ZULU

PRIORITY: FLASH

TO: 011722

CC: DCI, DDI

FROM: DDO/CIA

SUBJECT: FORCED REMOVAL

TEXT FOLLOWS:

THREAT/PURPOSE-

Good day. Your assistance is required with the forced removal of a Subject that has recently been upgraded by POTUS to CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER. At approximately 2300 EDT (0300 ZULU) POTUS was observing television media coverage of his earlier swim in the Gulf of Mexico. His story was not the lead, though. His story was shrunk down to an approximately 25 second piece, only after 3 minutes, 28 seconds was devoted to Subject and her seemingly endless medical condition. POTUS was, understandably, upset and activated procedures to elevate Subject’s threat level and, subsequently, he has initiated a forced removal procedure.

SUBJECT/LOCATION-

ZSA ZSA GABOR: 06Feb1917 / Budapest, Hungary. Currently residing in Bel Air, CA/USA. Married to Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt. Anhalt’s actual name is Harry Bullswually of North Platte, NB. He is not of any actual royalty in any shape or form. Home purchased in 1974 from Elvis Presley. Built originally by Howard Hughes. Described by analysts as having a “Michael Jackson-like creepy interior” with no fewer than 17 hidden rooms devoted to various forms of fornication. Caution is advised for any and all inter-dwelling operations.

MISSION/OPERATION-

POTUS has allocated a budget of approximately $24.5 million for this operation. Based upon those adequate resources, Operations has developed the following scenario. You will first make contact with the Subject. You will befriend her and convince her to do a pilot for a television program named “Vaguely Outrageous” following the exploits and adventures of two elder ad-execs from an undisclosed city. It is essentially a rip off of the British show “Absolutely Fabulous”. Most American TV these days is as a result of UN Charter, Chapter IX, Article 55 sub A. Our analysts agree that, with the Subject’s already weakened state, you will only need to film approximately 55 seconds with her. This will definitely give you enough time to dispatch her. POTUS has informally requested that she be dispatched in similar fashion to your Hawaii Operation of 2008. Once the Subject has been dispatched, feel free to remain in seclusion or just appear on Dancing with the Stars again.

SECURITY/PROTOCOLS-

As per usual, this Agency, and all of its associated personnel will disavow any connection you may have to it if this operation is compromised in any way. We needn’t remind you of Cambodia, 1973, but we will. Cambodia, 1973 was a disaster.

Your west coast US contact/handler (Codename: Calf Fries) will make himself known to you sometime within the operation. Please attempt to keep this one alive, thank you (Cambodia, 1973).

Good Luck.

Transmit Approval: DCI/DDO

END

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The Most Deadly Assassin In The World!

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If you see this woman or have any way of contacting her.  Please let her know her country still depends on her.  

Transformer Playground Memories

Thinking fondly upon my glamorous childhood, I recall the greatness of school recess and the things we boys would do to occupy those precious brainless minutes. One such activity was the live action interpretation of one of the most important dramatic performances of the 20th Century.  This masterpiece, "The Transformers".  Here are but a few of my fondest memories from those golden years. If you are a male approximately 30ish-40ish years old, recall the greatness with me.  If you are out of this age range and/or female........well, try anyway.

When we played Transformers on the playground, everyone wanted to be Optimus Prime because the Dinobots were..um..slow.

No one wanted to be Jazz because he is one vowel change away from a weird conversation during battle.

We always agreed that the fat kid was Omega Supreme

If a FATTER kid arrived, we made him Unicron and told him to get lunch because we didn’t need him until the “movie” anyway. (Craft and Kraft Services)

The shortest kid was always Bumblebee. (Sucks To Be In Your Gene Pool)

I always volunteered for Soundwave because he was the easiest to contort into in real life. (These Things Matter Ladies)  To be Soundwave all I really had to do was stand around, talk slow and punch out a few cassettes now and then. Kind of like the Kardashians.

The rest of the cool kids turned into the 'planes' and just ran around. Starscream’s voice was pretty rough on the delicate vocal chords of a 10 year old though (See: Cobra Commander)

There was always one kid who wanted to suddenly throw in a Battlestar Gallactica character or to BE "GI Joe". Those were always good ass whoopings.

Megatron was always difficult to cast.  He was the leader of the Decepticons but he was also a gun! So, to 'transform' and be useful, you needed someone else to 'catch' you and 'fire' you. This usually resulted in just standing there and screaming at people. Just a lot easier.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Katy Perry / Seriously, she needs to be stopped.

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PUBLIC INJUNCTION ORDER

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To:       Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson / AKA Katy Perry

From:  Dave / As an agent of the People of the State of California

Re:      “CALIFORNIA GURLS” (Capitol Records, 2010)

The People of the State of California send greetings and advise the following:

You are herby ordered to immediately cease and desist any and all broadcast or performance of your musical attempt known as “California Gurls”.  It has come to the attention of the People that this song is not entertaining or catchy or poppy in any shape, form or capacity.  It is understood that you and, amazingly enough, 5 other persons, including Mr. Calvin Broadus (AKA Snoop Dog) of Long Beach, CA went to great lengths and utilized all of your combined musical “skills” to create this less than stellar example of lyrical erudition.  But, the People have come to the decision that this song does not meet our criteria to be broadcast inside the State of California.

Following is a list of reasons:

1. The synth/pop background is slow and weak.  My 3 year old laughs at it.  It sounds like my Atari and I keep thinking I’m playing Raiders of the Lost Ark. 
2. Your song runs a length of approximately 3 minutes, 56 seconds.  And it is composed of 395 words.  But only if you include Mr. Broadus’ quasi-solo.  Apparently he is impressed that you are driving a Jeep and that you live at the beach.  And, although, 395 words does sound like a large number, the whole song just sounds like you screaming "Oh, oh" over and over again in a high pitched tone that leads one to suspect that Mr. Broadus must be raping a dolphin. 
3. Finally, the direct marketing of your song as an overt attempt to be the default “song of the summer” offends the People of California.  Songs of Summer must occur through a number of naturally developing conditions.  Your attempts to independently liken your song to such classics as “Umbrella” by Rhiana, “Summertime” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard and “Its Getting Hot In Herrrrrre” by Nelly have been summarily rejected. 

Based upon the above, an injunction has been ordered by the People of the State of California against any further broadcast or performance of this song within the geographic confines of the State of California along with any shared radio, television or satellite air waves of neighboring states.  Failure to comply may result in the seizure of any equipment or tools used to broadcast the song.  If performed live in public, you may be arrested by authorities and punished with severe fines and a time of incarceration equaling no less then until the day you pass from this earth.  Please note that this injunction does not have an effect upon any of your other works.  Although, the State of California reserves the right to reverse that decision at any time.

Your cooperation is appreciated in this matter.  Please feel free to sing and perform other music.  But, please do not invoke the name of our great State in any form ever again.  This is California, Ms. Hudson.  We take ourselves very seriously here. 

Sincerely,

Dave

For the People of the State of California. 

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Enemy of the State.

"Goodnight Weekend". A poem of sorrow......and steak

Goodnight weekend
Goodnight cows that give steaks for the weekend
Goodnight red lights
In the dark bar room
Goodnight Bears (go Raiders)
Goodnight lawn chairs
Goodnight our pittance
For those that where mittens
Goodnight clocks
Do I have clean socks?
Must be a pair in this house
Maybe over by the mouse
Well I know I have a comb
Its over by the brush
Sitting in the bowl
Of week old oat mush
And now my old lady is screaming, "Hush!"
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere.......sorry, I had the chili.

Long live the weekend. The weekend is dead. - The Jam

The 12 Days of Compton - Dave remembers Christmas in L.A. from days of yore!

On the 12th day of Compton, my homies gave to me....

12 40's of King Cobra
11 peeps out of prison
10 blunts a smokin'
9 ladies a lap-dancin'
8 Baby-mommas milkin'
7 Cops be profilin'
6 Keys of smack
5 Golden bliiiinngs.......yo!
4 Call girls
3 French Fries
2 Purple kool aids
And I'm not the Baby-Daddy says Maury

Alternate ending!

And a Ford Escort painted like a Bentley!

Merry Christmas! Word to your mother, one and all!

The Twelve Days of Superflous Trivia.....Dave tackles a holiday favorite AGAIN!!

On the twelfth day of Superfluous Trivia, my Internet gave to me……

Twelve idiots to a jury couldn't convict OJ for murder.
Eleven minutes into Ghostbusters they get the crap scared out of them by the librarian ghost-“GET HER!”
Ten Apples Up On Top was written by Theo. Lesieg.
Nine Inch Nails is really just Trent Reznor.
Eight vertices has a cube.
Seven Continents together formed Pangea.
Six Flags was started in 1960
FIVE GOOOOOLD  BAAAAAAARRSS.....would weigh roughly 2195 ounces.....
Four pecks to a bushel
Three Amigos was directed by John Landis
Two Dicks played Darrin
And Hitler only had one ball!

THANK YOU!